Can I Give up?

Hai.... I'm writing this in pain.
Buat kamu-kamu yang cuma bisa nyinyir, please don't read this kalo akhirnya kalian cuma nyinyir aja. Saya cuma pengen melepaskan keluhan saja. Everybody has their right to be honest with themselves right?

Saya seorang perempuan. Manusia biasa. Manusia biasa yang kadang sok kuat ngejalanin hidup. But my life is not that easy. May be sometimes what I show to world ya yang baik-baiknya saja. But yes, I'm only human though.

I have a boyfriend. I know him for almost 7 years. And having him as boyfriend for almost 5 years. Dia baik. Dan kelihatan serius. We had this relationship sejak kuliah. Dan kami bersama-sama berjuang sejak itu. So I consider that dia seharusnya sudah mengerti diri saya, ya kan? Dia yang berjuang mau bersama saya.

He said to me a lot of things. You can say it as promises. Banyak, dan rada muluk-muluk. Yep I didn't believe it at first. Tapi, like dia katakan itu setiap hari seolah-olah mau meyakinkan saya bahwa itu benar. And the end, I end up believing it. And I think this relationship is like yang terakhir buat saya, karna yah saya pun sudah lelah mencari.

I know myself very well, may be too well. I am not that kind of person yang bisa LDR -long distance relationship- at all. Like literally ga bisa. Because I need to know what my boyfriend do today and etc. I need to know it because I'm a worried person.

And of course, I know that he is a boy. A boy always do the same thing. Ignoring. Yes, like all the time.

I, always begin the conversation, every day. I, always the one who communicate first, ask first. And I just can't do that every day. Saya juga manusia, dan terlebih saya seorang perempuan. I have a dignity.

Setiap kami pulang ke rumah masing-masing, masalah ini selalu muncul menjadi masalah paling utama. He never chats. He never asks. He is too busy with his own world.

I, do, know he has a lot of things to do. Main dengan temannya atau apapun itu. But, saya perlu dan saya butuh untuk diberi kabar. Karna sesungguhnya sebagai perempuan, perlakuan seperti itu membuat saya merasa lebih berarti. It means, saya ada di pikiran orang yang saya pikirkan juga. Isn't that hard? I mean hanya untuk mengetik pesan, hanya untuk mengabari. Kalian yang perempuan, am I wrong? Sometimes I calm nyself dan berpikir, kamu ini belum jadi istrinya, jangan terlalu mengekang. I do have this thought. But in the end, dia benar-benar ga ada sama sekali untuk saya. I don't know how to say it tapi saya merasa seperti dibuang. I am nothing.

Saya selalu membuat perjanjian, "Nanti kalo udah di rumah, jangan lupa chat ya, ga usah telpon gapapa. Kalo balas chat juga jangan terlalu lama. Seengganya tiap hari jangan kosong ya." Tapi nyatanya, itu selalu terjadi. Dan kalo saya marah, saya yang selalu disalahkan. I. Just. Need. Your. Attention. That's all. Is that so hard?

Dan di akhir-akhir masa kuliah kami, dia seperti mencari jalannya sendiri tanpa memikirkan saya lagi di dalamnya. I feel like being pushed away from his world. Dia menyusun semua plan nya sendiri. Without me, without me in his plan.

And then I say to myself, if I know it would lead this way, then I don't wanna be with him. I'd rather wait for someone who really knows about me.

Can I give up?

Friday, June 9th
With my broken heart